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Dispatches from the Commons Grid
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grief-policy-v2

#grief #policy #v2

Grief Policy v2.0: A Comprehensive Well-Being Framework

Our Commitment

At [COMPANY NAME], we believe our people are our most valuable asset — which is why we're thrilled to announce our new, holistic approach to the human condition. Gone are the old binary ways of thinking: grief or no grief, work or no work, death or taxes. We prefer to think of it as a journey, and we're so glad you're taking it with us. Again, per your timesheet.

Eligibility

To qualify for bereavement leave, the Applicant must demonstrate, in writing, that their grief is (a) genuine, (b) recent, and (c) sufficiently proximate to the deceased to meet the standard of bona fide sorrow as determined by [MANAGER NAME], in their sole discretion. Please limit your explanation of the above to 50 (fifty) words or fewer. This word count does not include prepositions, conjunctions, or the part where you wonder if any of this is worth it. You may be asked to justify your relationship to the deceased. You may be asked to justify your tone. A form will be provided.

[IN THE EVENT OF A DEATH, PLEASE SUBMIT FORM 2B]

Happiness Compliance

We noticed you're not smiling. That's why we've scheduled a [MANDATORY FUN EVENT: ______] for [DATE] at [TIME]. Attendance is required for all team members who wish to remain employed. We've found that group activities are the most effective way to build morale, particularly when the alternative is termination. Your joy has been assessed at $15 per hour, which is more than the cost of a sandwich, so we'd call that a win. Come for the pizza, stay for the way you'll never get those hours back.

Self-Assessment Form

Please rate your satisfaction with the following statements on a scale of 1–5, where 1 is Strongly Disagree and 5 is Strongly Agree:

  1. I feel heard.
  2. I feel seen.
  3. I feel my grief has been adequately processed by the [HUMAN RESOURCES] team.
  4. I agree to participate in the [MANDATORY FUN EVENT: ______].
  5. I am satisfied with the outcome of my grief.

Grievance Procedure

If you are unsatisfied with the outcome of this form, please fill out Form 3C: Request for Reconsideration of Grief. Attach Form 2B. Attach this form. Note the ways in which you are a different person now. Note the ways in which nothing will ever be the same. Repeat. Welcome to the family.

A Note on Shared Grief

Some people say that grief is the price of love. We say: don't let the door hit you. No, that's not right. We mean, we're sorry for your loss. That's it. That's the whole note. Please remember to include this interaction in your performance review, where we'll discuss your resilience and your capacity for growth. You've already grown so much. You didn't even have to ask twice.

Eligibility & Qualifying Losses

Grief, like any benefit, must be pre-approved. We offer two tiers of loss. Tier 1: spouse, child, parent, sibling — the classics. Tier 2: grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, in-law, close friend — the extended package, subject to depreciation. Grief for a coworker is not eligible, as the deceased was a colleague, and colleagues are a professional category, not an emotional one. Grief for a pet is not eligible, as the loss of a companion animal does not meet the minimum threshold of human capital. Grief for an "unclear" loss — a breakup, a miscarriage, a diagnosis, a house fire, a global pandemic — is ineligible pending clarification. If you are unsure whether your grief qualifies, please grieve in the designated area and submit a Grief Pre-Clearance Request before the feeling becomes too acute to manage. We do not deny that you feel grief. We simply ask you to prove it meets our definition.

The Grief Allowance

Grief is measured in hours. Each employee is allocated 40 grief-hours per quarter, banked automatically. Hours do not roll over. Hours may not be transferred, gifted, or donated to a colleague whose grief exceeds their allowance — we have found this encourages competition and undermines the fairness of the system. Unused hours expire at the end of the quarter, as we believe grief should be timely, efficient, and aligned with our fiscal calendar. If you experience a loss in week one and grieve in week twelve, you have missed the window. We encourage you to schedule your grief in advance, wherever possible.

Grief & Performance

Grief must not impact deliverables. If you find that a loss is interfering with your output, please submit a Grief Impact Assessment no later than the day before your next standup. The assessment should include a summary of the loss, the anticipated impact on velocity, and a proposed mitigation plan — for example, "I will cry during lunch" or "I will compartmentalize until sprint review." We are confident that, with the right framework, grief can be a growth opportunity. A decrease in productivity without an approved assessment will be treated as an attendance issue, not an emotional one. We trust you understand the distinction.

The Grief Concierge

Our AI grief concierge, [NAME], is available 24/7 to validate your experience. Simply describe your loss and [NAME] will confirm that your grief is "real" and "valid" — or, in cases where the loss does not meet eligibility criteria, will offer a curated list of wellness affirmations to help you reframe the experience. We have found that reframing is more cost-effective than processing. [NAME] is not a therapist. [NAME] is a form with a friendly face. [NAME] does not take vacations, which is more than we can say for you.

Measurement & Success

We track grief through a suite of key performance indicators: Grief Engagement Score, Time-to-Baseline, and Grief Utilization Rate. A healthy employee returns to baseline within 14 days of an approved loss. An exceptional employee returns within 7. We benchmark against industry standards, which we have set ourselves. Our goal is 100% grief compliance — meaning no unapproved grief occurs on company time. We believe this is achievable with your cooperation.

Fine Print

This policy is not a promise. It is a proposal, subject to change, revocation, or reinterpretation at any time. The company retains the right to define the terms "genuine," "recent," "proximate," and "grief." By reading this policy, you consent to its terms. By feeling something, you consent to its terms. By existing, you consent to its terms. We are committed to your well-being, which is why we have automated it. The policy is comprehensive because grief is expensive — and someone has to account for it. That someone is you.